love.com

How Hard Can It Be?

My former co-teacher and best friend, Jenny, and I have a belief that, whenever someone says, “How hard can it be?” it is invariably much harder than you ever imagined or hoped it would be. Whatever it is, this is always the case.

 

 

Some Common Examples of How Hard Can It Be

• Putting together easy-to-assemble furniture
• Programming your DVR
• Returning a blouse to Target with a receipt
• Finding something that is lost in a contained area
• Getting an email ready to send when you are in a hurry
• Changing batteries in a flashlight
• Locating an article you saw before on the Internet
• Helping your child with algebra homework
• Explaining to the insurance company that these are not your charges
• Checking to see if a flight is on time
• Taking toys out of plastic packaging
• Getting through an automated answering service so you can talk to a real person at a government office
• Getting a baby to sleep

The fact of the matter is, that with my magical thinking, once you have uttered these words the task WILL be harder than you ever dreamed. At least that’s what I think, and because I think it, it’s true. To me.

The same is true about writing your Internet dating profile. It seems like it should be easy, but once you’ve said those fateful words it’s not so simple at all. You find yourself worrying that maybe by being completely “out there” with yourself, you are being vulnerable or that you are eliminating the ONE PERSON you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. And at least, if you are me, it becomes worse than programming your DVR.

I think another reason for the “How Hard” phenomenon when writing my profile is that I wanted to be all things to all people. I worried that if he didn’t like me or I didn’t like him during the correspondence or (God forbid) the date, then that would just be horrible. I put a lot of stress on writing it just right.

How hard can it be?

Luckily, if you follow the guidelines and also the ones on my Facebook Group you can be empowered to get past the anxiety and worry. It may still be hard, but at least you’ll know that it isn’t as big of a deal as you might think and you can keep your sense of humor. Here are some reassurances:

1. There are many people out there looking for YOU. There may not be many single, sane people out there, but that is entirely a different story. Baby steps.

2. It’s only a date. You aren’t obligated to spend the rest of your life with this guy/girl anymore than you have to return to the same supermarket or Jiffy Lube. In and Out in a Jiffy.

3. Unlike the employees who work in Customer Service (see video below), the people on Internet dating sites are there on purpose! They want to want you!

I think I would have gone a little Rambo on these ladies, but how hard can it be to buy some make-up?

4. Most things that result in frustration (after the inevitable “how hard can it be”?) are a result of expectations. You expect the baby to sleep within four hours or the toy to come out of its packaging without causing a trip to the emergency room for stitches (silly you!), and then when your expectations aren’t met, you are disappointed. With profile writing, remember that it’s like cold calling and you’ll have to date a LOT to meet someone you really like. Don’t expect to like the first guy/girl you chat with. Or the fifty-second. Two hundred fifty first dates later, I am still as tenacious as ever.

5. But I’m also very, very good at it. I can construct an online dating profile to elicit the response that I want. Just like with algebra, practice helps. OK, well I still have to Google inequalities, but I’m working on it. Take this, algebra!

(4 * (3/4)x) + (4 * (1/2)) = 4(3/2)

Solution:  x = 4/3

How hard can it be?

copyright © 2010  Tiia Jones

love.com: What’s in a Date?

A friend in my aerobics class agonized this morning about changing dentists.  She thinks her dentist is a pedophile, but she feels guilty going to a new one. 

I used to feel the same way about Internet dating.  I’d feel guilty if I didn’t like the guy after the extensive profile review process and promising email exchanges that had come before the actual F2F meeting.  But now I approach it differently.   

The origin of the word “date” comes from the Latin word for giving. So first dates are something you give of yourself; your time, your emotional energy, your attention. And if you are not getting what you want and need in return, cut your losses and move on. It is only a date, an appointment, a meeting. You do not have an obligation to have another appointment any more than going to one Jiffy Lube necessitates that you return there the next quarter for your oil change.

Or any more than you need to stay with a weirdo dentist.

I’m reminded of a man I dated a while back named, ahem, Jim.  He was a teacher also and a single dad.  Our initial communication had been witty and intellectually stimulating with just a hint of sexual undertone.  No obvious mental illness (on his part anyway) and his criminal record was clear (not that I had anyone check or anything).  He seemed like a good match. 

But when we met, I just didn’t feel what Cole Porter calls "that thing."  There wasn’t anything wrong with him.  Contrary to many other dates, he did NOT talk about his collection of Star Wars figures, nor did he ask me about the condition of my eternal soul, and he didn’t ask to touch my toes.  No, we just didn’t click.  However, I felt obligated (and maybe a little desperate) so I saw him again.

At the end of the second date he said, “I don’t think we should see each other again.  I just don’t think we’re a good match.”  Then I had to tell myself it’s only an appointment.  I was more upset because I had missed Trivial Pursuit night with my sisters, even though my sister Allyson is a big cheater.

I think one of the most empowering things about Internet dating is that it allows women the freedom to be picky.  Now one of my biggest personal online dating maxims is that if I don’t feel a connection within three hours of the first date, there will never be one.  And no amount of convincing, cajoling, or trying to tell myself he’s perfect, will change it.  So I really try not to waste his time or mine and I move on.

It’s something we give of ourselves, after all, and it’s only a date.  

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones