love.com

love.com: Online Dating and the Sperm Whale

In honor of the end of the whale migration here in Washington, I thought this story was worthy of re-posting. Plus, I'm getting ready to teach a new school of unsuspecting fish of my own!

 

A recent study conducted by the Marine Mammal Institute at Oregon State University found that sperm whales are much more calculating in their hunting practices of squid than has long been believed.  They apparently hunt those poor little guys in groups of three using pretty sophisticated teams in which they rotate which whale does which job.  One whale does the rounding up of the squid for a while.  One whale does the diving and chasing from above.  One whale comes up underneath and heads off any squid that try to escape.  The unsuspecting squid don’t have a chance.

What does this have to do with internet dating?  Well, in online dating, as in the ocean, it is important to know your enemy’s tactics.  You can respect the handsome devil for his cunning and strategy, but if you don’t understand how he thinks, you’ll get rounded up before you know it. 

Case in point, I met a man named Martin.  That is his real name because he is proud of his cad-like ways (or should I say sperm whale-like ways?).  Martin revealed to me that he has his own list of internet dating rules.  Oddly, some of them are similar to mine, if in mirror image.  Here are his rules:

 

Martin’s Rules for Dating Online and Getting Laid, and Cheaply!

1. The goal is to get laid.  That's it.
2. Always date more than one girl.  Always.
3. No dating on the weekends.
4. No going out to dinner.  Drinks only.
5. No beer.  Hard alcohol for the girl only.  She will get bloated and not feel up to sex.
6. Aim for women that are hot, with low self-esteem.  Go for the 8/2 ratio (8 on the looks scale, 2 on the self-esteem scale).
7. If you don't sense that she's willing to put out on the first date, or if she hasn't put out by the third date, drop her.
8. No dating women that you work with.
9. No dating single moms.
10. No dating women that your friends know.
11. If a girl stops putting out, you stop dating.
12. Never take a woman to where you live, always go to her place.  Always.
13. Never go out with a group of the girls’ friends.  Your job is to nail her, not get to know everyone.
14. Avoid giving the girl any personal details about you.   Lie frequently.
15. Don't answer your phone when she calls unless you want something from her.  You are not her friend.
16. Getting laid is a numbers game.  Don't take rejection personally.

Now while Martin's rules may not fall directly in line with my rules, the fact is that they must work at least some of the time.  He reports that it’s pretty successful.  It doesn’t hurt that he has a handsome, aloof sort of appeal and a killer whale smile.

The point is, as any good military strategist would tell you, it is important to know the tactics of your enemy.  There are people like Martin out there.  Study them.  Understand them.  Know their motives.  Otherwise you might find yourself caught in the belly of a really good-looking whale.

So I am looking for great (or horrible) stories or comments about the “Martins” of the world.  I want your worst internet dating enemy encounter.  It is research.  I know they are out there.  Send me your best story, and the best one wins.

http://www.oregonlive.com/news/index.ssf/2010/02/oregon_state_researcjer.html

 

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

 

Get Your Own House in Order (Guest Post)

Today I’m delighted to be featured as a guest blogger on my friend Tisha Matthew’s site Inspired Moments. She blogs about a number of topics ranging from her work of a life coach, to empowerment, to the law of attraction, to relationships, to developmental disabilities. She’s a fireball of a mom who works hard and found the love of her life after a very rocky start (she blogged about it here).

This blog post traces my path of Internet dating exploration. You might compare it to cave spelunking in one’s soul. Please visit here and give it a read.

Here is a full, (but shortened) link if you like. http://bit.ly/8ZKZQ8

And now, the results of the latest blog survey. The question was, “What is the most annoying first date pet peeve?” Respondents could give two answers.

• 50% said being mean or being rude to others
• 33.3% reported bad table manners

(four-way tie)

• 16.7% said being too pushy sexually
• 16.7% reported talking about self/self-centered conversation
• 16.7 % said talking about exes/ogling other women or men
• 16.7% said weird pet or hobby stories

A new survey started this week, and the topic is: Which is the Best Internet First Date Idea? Please make sure to register your vote.

Image from The Women’s Room Blog http://thewomensroom.typepad.com/the_womens_room/

Happy Hour Dating Dilemmas: Martini Time

Pour yourself a glass of wine, make a martini, and curl up with a plate of Brie and crackers. It’s time for this week’s Happy Hour Dating Dilemmas. These are real-life situations from Internet daters who have asked for help with their profiles or their online dating situation.

As is always the case, the names and identifying details are changed to protect the innocent and, sometimes, the very very guilty. My lawyers said I should tell you that. Check out other Happy Hour Dating Dilemmas here.

Dear Tiia,

In looking at profile pictures on one of the online dating services, I found a guy who seems wonderful from his writing. His picture seems ok too except for one thing. He only has one picture and it’s very, very blurry. It’s hard to even tell what he looks like honestly. It’s not that I’m that concerned about looks, but I don’t know if I should be worried about this.

Signed,

Glenda the Good Witch

Witchy Woman,

Tiia’s Internet Dating Rule #20 says: “Do not, under any circumstances, date anyone without a picture on their profile. It’s better if they have several and highly recommended that they aren’t grainy as if they are really old. People use old pictures all of the time.”

While this guy at least has a picture, which is good, the fact that it is that fuzzy does not bode well. There are only a few reasons for this and they are below:

1. There is some reason he does not want to use a real, updated picture of himself like he is actually a woman or a quadriplegic (both of which either happened to me or to someone I know).
2. He does not own a digital camera or camera phone because he lives in a trailer home in West Virginia where he is currently running an extension cord from his neighbor’s trailer to provide himself with power. He is corresponding with you from the computers at the public library. His mother and father are first cousins.
3. He is a spy for Turkmenistan (I don’t have anything against the Turkmenistanians, but I think they have a funny country name and you should see their national bird) which prevents him from revealing his true identity. He will kill you immediately after engaging in coitus.
4. Or he may simply be embarrassed of his appearance because he wants to make himself appear younger, better looking, or more masculine than he really is.

In all of these cases, well except for the Turkmenistanian, what I never understand is what they think is going to happen when you meet them. Do they think you are going to be so dazzled by their keen intellect and witty repartee that you would completely overlook the fact that they not only lied about a key part of their profile but also misled you into thinking your were meeting a different person altogether?

I recommend that you steer clear of him. It has nowhere to go that is good. Unless you like West Virginia or Turkmenistan.

Tiia

And on that note, I had to include this little funny from a North Carolina (not a West Virginia, lest you think I only make fun of West Virginians) newspaper for you!

Dear Tiia,

How many dating sites do you recommend that I belong to? There are so many out there, and I just don’t know how to pick which ones are the best. There are sites that match your personality, your religion, your sexual preference—even if you’re a vegetarian! For one thing, doing online dating takes a great deal of time and I’m a single mom. How do I know which ones are the best.

Girl Working in a Guy’s World

Dear Brave New Girl in a Brave New World,

You’re right, it’s crazy out there! I recently saw a site for Cougars and also one specifically for Booty Calls. There is also one aimed at people who want to be celibate (I’m guessing they don’t have a lot of takers but whatever).

Anyhoo…here’s what I think. It used to be that the free ones were pretty sucky. That is no longer the case. However, read the reviews and look at how many subscribers there are before you join any site. As you have noticed, there is a great deal of work involved in joining and maintaining an Internet dating site—at least if you are going to do it effectively. And remember, you need to treat this like it is a job hunt process.

You might want to start with just one, a major one, that matches your social and sexual wants. Each has its own “flavor” so you don’t join Adult Friend Finder if you have conservative relationship values but you don’t join EHarmony if you’re like me and you are a little on the more martini drinking side of things. You do your homework before interviewing with a company for a job, so do a little research at the beginning of this process. It will pay off and save you more time for more red wine.

I also have a couple of resource articles that should help:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2LOOyz/www.myonlinedatingservice.com/

http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=20040905&slug=internethorror05

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11699105/

Tiia

copyright © 2010  Tiia Jones

Wal Mart Quote courtesy of: http://hiphappy.wordpress.com/2008/05/25/rednecks-over/

Venn Diagram of Online Daters

Odds of meeting one of the guys in the middle = very small. And still, throw salt over your shoulder for me and be on the look-out for lucky pennies. I’m going in.

Why I Don't Date Men Without Children

I am very honored today to be featured as a guest blogger on the very talented Swati Bharteey’s wonderful blog The Single Mother's Chronicles with a story called The Incident of the Wagon or Why I Don’t Date Men Without Children.

I’ve enjoyed Swati’s Blog very much as it features a variety of articles, both about her life and about the lives of other single moms. I especially like how she frequently gives you a snapshot about a poignant moment in a single mother’s life. Take a look—you won’t be sorry you did. There is also a link to her blog on my home page (in addition to the link above).

So when she asked me to give her a guest post, I decided to tell a story of my own. It involves a childless lawyer, a red wagon, a broken arm, and a ravine. Please check it out and let me know your thoughts.

 http://tiny.cc/2yrcr

Thanks Swati for the invitation.

All I Really Need to Know

One of my favorite essays is from a book by Robert Fulghum. The book and the essay are called "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" and it contains many important nuggets of wisdom like put things back where you found them, take a nap every afternoon, and everything dies someday. It’s served me well.

However, I’d have to say that in dating, all I really need to know I did NOT learn in Kindergarten, but in Middle School. Since my daughter Leah is currently in Middle School, it gives me time to reflect on this important process. Watching her go through the difficult and sometimes painful lessons—without being able to lend the wisdom of my years—makes me realize that the way we relate to the opposite sex and how we think about them was not learned in our families or in grade school, but during the awkward period of adolescence. When we are covered with acne and the girls are taller than the boys, when a wayward glance can ruin our entire life let alone day, that is where we glean our meager knowledge of love.

Here is what I’ve learned (with help from my beautiful assistant Leah).

All I Really Need to Know (about dating) I Learned in Middle School:

• Boys (or girls, depending) will come and go, but your friends and family will not. Stay loyal to them.
• Opposites do NOT attract.
• No matter what they might say, most boys are not [completely] liberated. They don’t like pushy girls.
• Breaking up is, in fact, very hard to do. It is also very necessary. Doing it compassionately (not by email or text and by being as honest as possible) is a skill, no less than kissing or texting while walking.
• That sweet, nerdy guy might grow up to be a CEO of a company and friend you on Facebook someday. It pays to be nice to everyone.
• Bad guys are very sexy—this is true when you are 13, 23, and 33. I don’t know about 43 yet, but I’ll let you know.
• Kind of like algebra, a lot of attraction doesn’t really make sense. But if you don’t feel "that thing" within the first three hours of a date, you’ll never feel it so move on.
• Girls and boys are usually speaking two different languages. It’s like one is taking Spanish and one is taking French. Or Klingon. (Please Trekkies I’m begging you to watch this short video for me!)
• Stalker = Not Sexy
• You can’t change someone by dating them. Like Popeye used to say, “I am what I am.” Being with them won’t change you either so don’t look for a rescuer.
• Like Middle School, dating is an opportunity to experience many different people and events. You aren’t locked into any of them any more than you have to become a carpenter because you took shop. Try it out! Enjoy the ride.
• Other kids/adults can be very mean. There are girl and boy bullies alike, and they will use opportunities to exploit your weaknesses. Don’t let them.
• Finally, remember the most important rule of Middle School and of a date—it’s only temporary.

Booty Call Man--Strings Attached

PROFILE    Denny1968 Enjoying all that life has to offer! Active within 2 days  30-year-old-man Colorado Springs, CO United States Seeking women 25-35 Within 30 miles of Albuquerque, NM, United States Relationships: Divorced Have Kids: No Want Kids: Not sure Ethnicity: Caucasian Body type: About average  Height: 6’0” Hair Color: Light brown  Eye Color: Blue Smoke: No way Drink: Regularly Education Level:  High School My Job: Labor/construction Interests: Music & concerts, , fishing and hunting, reading, watching sports, camping, hiking, woodcarving, travel (US)

My friend Wombat at Kiss & Blog recently posted on the idea that women sometimes have difficulty allowing themselves pleasure because they tend to self-flagellate and there are double standards. It sparked off an interesting discussion from both men and women about how differently the two genders perceive sexual encounters. That got me to thinking about booty calls.

A word on booty calls. There is nothing wrong with booty calls. Casual sex for the sake of casual sex has its time and place. In fact, I am all for it if done safely and sanely and, preferably, somewhat soberly. The problem with booty calls is that from a woman’s perspective, it is frequently difficult to limit the sex to its impersonal nature. I don’t know if this is because society dictates that women are not allowed to have booty calls or if we as women begin to project some deeper emotion than is warranted by the detached nature of the dirty deed.

But I decided to find myself a booty call man. Call it comfort food. I deserve it, I told myself. Leah’s anxiety had become so bad that I couldn’t even leave her in the nursery while I worked out at the gym; they’d come and find me because she was hyperventilating. On the other hand, when we would pray together at night before bed, she’d say, “Dear Jesus, please send me a new Daddy so I won’t be scared anymore.” I’d stand in the doorway of her room so she wouldn’t see me crying. I wanted to produce one. If only it were that easy.

But I found myself wanting something totally different. I wanted someone I could have sex with for a couple of hours and never see again. I found a guy whose picture looked really good, but his narrative revealed that he was none too intelligent. He met very few of my rules, and we had almost nothing in common (I mean, camping, woodcarving, labor/construction?). He was perfect! I shipped Leah off to the babysitter’s house—and I was ready for action.

My first major mistake in this booty call catastrophe was that I had him come to my house. This goes against every rule of safe Internet dating that I now know and that is available for anyone who has a computer. Those guidelines simply did not exist then. Actually, now that I think about it, it doesn’t even make good common sense so I must have really wanted to get laid.

As I was waiting for him to arrive, I was trying to concentrate on the book I was reading while at the same time maintaining a seductive pose lying on the couch (think Cleopatra). Finally, I could see car lights approaching the back gate of my townhouse and I glanced up to see a camper trailer parking in the free visitor space. Now this was an interesting development. I didn’t really anticipate the hot booty call guy would be driving a camper trailer, but what was I to do now?

He parked and knocked at the back door and I let him in. We wasted little time on small talk and informalities, but got right down to business. I guess when you email someone to come over to your house at 9:00 on a Friday night they know what you are interested in. The casual sex was, well, casual. It was quick and expedient and less than satisfying. Kind of like those Slimfast shakes you’re supposed to drink to replace meals.

Then either society or my sensitive woman side kicked in and I wanted it to be more than it was. “Can’t you stay the night,” I said and I wasn’t even sure if I could believe the words were coming out of my own mouth. Did I remember this guy drove a camper trailer which he very likely lived in?

He looked at me steadily as he pulled on his Levi’s. “I don’t think so. I have to get back to the campground or I’ll lose my spot.”

I knew it! What the hell was I thinking? My head had no control over my mouth at this point. “Well can we see each other again?” and even I could hear a bit of a plaintive whine creeping into my voice.

“I thought this was just sex,” he said and now he looked away as he buttoned his shirt.

Yeah me too buddy but apparently my mouth didn’t get the message. “Yeah OK,” I said. It sounded flat, however, and he looked at me with the slightest tinge of sympathy before giving me a quick hug.

As he drove away, I silently prayed to the gods of dating that he would forget where I lived and never, ever tell anyone what had transpired here tonight.

copyright © 2010  Tiia Jones

The Sticky Spot

The invention of sticky notes is right up there in significance with the discovery of fire, the implementation of a GPS system in my car, the common usage of DVR technology, and the invention of the wheel (not necessarily in that order) in my book. Following is a few random sticky notes I’ve had on my mental board:

 

 

 

The Kevin Awards for Worst Online Dates

Over the years I’ve spent dating online, I’ve met many people with lots of horrifying Internet dating experiences. Now that I’m writing a book about learning from my dating disasters, people write and tell me their own all of the time. 

It isn’t just middle-aged heterosexual women, either, who share in these woes. The stories run the demographic gamut from young to old, gay to straight, and male to female. 

I find solace in the company of sharing. It’s a support group for cyber love gone wrong, but it’s also comforting to know that your encounter with the guy who had a snake in his closet and lived with his mother wasn’t as bad as someone else’s latest dating catastrophe.

So I was thinking there ought to be an awards show for the worst Internet dates; like the Tonys or the Oscars. I decided to start one. I’m calling the award “The Kevin” because some of my worst dating ordeals have been with men named Kevin. I apologize in advance if you are named Kevin (and I know some nice Kevins too, but I’ve never dated them) and you do not have any weird sexual fetishes, sleep in your van, or attack women in deserted parks necessitating the use of pepper spray. It can’t be helped. Maybe guys named Oscar don’t like their name being attached to a gold statue that looks like a comic book character, but that’s just the way it is.

Presenting the Kevin Award this year will be golf pro Tiger Woods.  He’s won fourteen major golf championships, but that’s not the reason we’ve asked him to be here tonight. His many torrid affairs have scandalized the nation, so we’re excited to have him presenting this year’s award.

Tiger: There are a lot of great finalists for the Kevin Award this year. It was a tough competition. I wish they would have let me compete.

(Uneasy laughter from audience)

Tiger:  And the finalists for this year’s awards are (names have been changed of course):

Krissie’s date who showed her hundreds of pictures of his ex-wife during dinner. Some of them were nude.

Justin’s date who came over for dinner at Justin’s house. About an hour later, the doorbell rang, and it was another man. Justin’s date had invited the third man for a “threesome.”

Deborah’s date who “took her” on a ski weekend and then expected her to pay for the lift tickets, hotel room, and ski lessons.  Then he left her for the entire weekend while he went skiing alone.

LeeAnn’s date (she is a lesbian) who spent the whole dinner at the restaurant doing her nails.

Angelo’s date who took off her wig in the middle of their night at the movies.

And Trini’s date who brushed his teeth with rotten butter so, not only were his teeth falling out, but he had breath that could stop a semi.

(Gasping from audience)

Tiger:  But the winner is…Janet’s date! Poor Janet is a flight attendant in her 50s. She corresponded with the man online before finally meeting him in person. Of course, she had followed all of Tiia’s rules and had seen a picture. Unfortunately for her, when they met for dinner she discovered he was a paraplegic and was paralyzed from the waist down; a fact which he had forgotten to mention in their frequent email exchanges.

(Audience goes crazy with cheering. Janet’s date is wheeled up on stage doing fist pumps and shooting mock guns with his thumb and forefinger then blowing on them.)

I just don’t know what kind of statue we should give.

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

 

love.com: Bad First Date Ideas

PROFILE SgtHenry Take a chance with a man like me! Active within 24 hours 36-year-old man Colorado Springs, CO, United States Seeking women 25-35 Within 15 miles of Colorado Springs, Colorado, United States Relationships: Divorced Have Kids: Yes and sometimes they live at home Want Kids: Definitely Ethnicity: African American Body type: Athletic and toned Height: 6’1” Hair Color: Bald Eye Color: Dark brown Smoke: Cigar aficionado Drink: Moderately Education Level:  Bachelor’s degree My Job: Law enforcement Interests: Playing sports, watching sports, playing cards, music & concerts, video games, nightclubs/dancing, home repair, gun collecting, jewelry making

He looked a lot like LL Cool J in his profile picture, but I should have been concerned by the fact that all of his pictures had the tell-tale signs of women having been edited out before being posted. Each one had an obviously feminine arm draped over his shoulder or just the sliver of a blonde woman’s face and hair in the corner. I should have been concerned, but I was blinded by the sheer magnetism of his sexuality.

Our first date was to be at a wine tasting. I love wine. I love wine tastings. I love first dates with hot men. What could go wrong?

“Hello beautiful,” said the chocolate hunk of wonderful waiting for me by the entrance to the festival. His physical presence did not disappoint. Since he worked as a policeman I knew he: a. carried a gun and b. wore a uniform. These are both advantages in my dating book.

The Wine Fest was lovely with gorgeous weather. The heat made it deceptively simple to down the little two-ounce samples of judgment clouders that the wine vendors hand out once you have paid the price of admission. They’re small, right?  It’s only a teensy taste.

In fact, by the time we were done tasting I didn’t think that I could drive back home. “I’ll take you home,” Henry offered. He had not done as much sampling as I had.

“Yes, I think that would be a good idea,” I said as I stumbled to his car. 

He laughed, “Yeah, I don’t think you should be driving anywhere.”

Well suffice it to say, I did not follow the three-date rule that night. I hold the organizers of the wine tasting completely responsible. In fact, I should sue them!

I don’t remember a great deal about the sex. To be really honest, there are many parts of that entire day that I don’t recall either, which is why I have added that to my list of terrible first date ideas.

“Aaaarrgghhh!” I screeched as the morning sun streamed in through my window. I had to suppress another screech when I saw a naked black man lying next to me. How did he get there?  Random snatches of the night’s activities were vaguely present in my memory, but they were fogged by a horrible, pounding headache.

Thankfully, he said he had to leave soon since I didn’t know how long I was going to be able to be civil. But we made plans to go out to dinner the following weekend where I assured him I would be more coherent.

“Actually,” he smiled languidly, “you were pretty fun last night.”

I smiled back weakly.  It hadn’t been my proudest moment.

Our dinner date was at a rather cheesy chain restaurant, but I figured maybe a police sergeant didn’t have time or opportunity to scope out the most unique hideaways.

“I am so sorry about last weekend,” I said as we hugged hello. I noticed that he didn’t even stand up to greet me. And was it my imagination, or did he look rather less like LL Cool J than I remembered?

“Nah,” he said with a shrug, “don’t worry about it. You were just drunk as a skunk. But you were damn good in bed! Let’s have a toast to that!” He signaled to the waiter to bring him a beer and me a glass of the house wine. (House wine?  Do I look like I drink house wine?)

Waiting for our drinks, Henry reached over to caress my breast, and I maneuvered strategically out of the way of his hand. “You fine baby,” he said.

Then, he took out a large bundle of dollar bills secured with a golden money clip that had a large “G” on it with a dollar sign. I was wondering what the “G” stood for and how I had possibly missed all of these clear signals during the first date.  “Your honor, she cannot be held responsible.  It was temporary dating insanity caused by alcohol obfuscation.”  I was interrupted by Henry’s positioning of the menu directly in front of my breasts.

“Order whatever you want baby,” he said as he flashed a lewd smile at me, “I got this.”

“Well I hope so,” I said, “because I don’t.” I figured this date wasn’t going to get any better so I might as well make sure he knew I wasn’t picking up the tab.

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones