love.com

love.com: Online Dating and the Sperm Whale

In honor of the end of the whale migration here in Washington, I thought this story was worthy of re-posting. Plus, I'm getting ready to teach a new school of unsuspecting fish of my own!

 

A recent study conducted by the Marine Mammal Institute at Oregon State University found that sperm whales are much more calculating in their hunting practices of squid than has long been believed.  They apparently hunt those poor little guys in groups of three using pretty sophisticated teams in which they rotate which whale does which job.  One whale does the rounding up of the squid for a while.  One whale does the diving and chasing from above.  One whale comes up underneath and heads off any squid that try to escape.  The unsuspecting squid don’t have a chance.

What does this have to do with internet dating?  Well, in online dating, as in the ocean, it is important to know your enemy’s tactics.  You can respect the handsome devil for his cunning and strategy, but if you don’t understand how he thinks, you’ll get rounded up before you know it. 

Case in point, I met a man named Martin.  That is his real name because he is proud of his cad-like ways (or should I say sperm whale-like ways?).  Martin revealed to me that he has his own list of internet dating rules.  Oddly, some of them are similar to mine, if in mirror image.  Here are his rules:

 

Martin’s Rules for Dating Online and Getting Laid, and Cheaply!

1. The goal is to get laid.  That's it.
2. Always date more than one girl.  Always.
3. No dating on the weekends.
4. No going out to dinner.  Drinks only.
5. No beer.  Hard alcohol for the girl only.  She will get bloated and not feel up to sex.
6. Aim for women that are hot, with low self-esteem.  Go for the 8/2 ratio (8 on the looks scale, 2 on the self-esteem scale).
7. If you don't sense that she's willing to put out on the first date, or if she hasn't put out by the third date, drop her.
8. No dating women that you work with.
9. No dating single moms.
10. No dating women that your friends know.
11. If a girl stops putting out, you stop dating.
12. Never take a woman to where you live, always go to her place.  Always.
13. Never go out with a group of the girls’ friends.  Your job is to nail her, not get to know everyone.
14. Avoid giving the girl any personal details about you.   Lie frequently.
15. Don't answer your phone when she calls unless you want something from her.  You are not her friend.
16. Getting laid is a numbers game.  Don't take rejection personally.

Now while Martin's rules may not fall directly in line with my rules, the fact is that they must work at least some of the time.  He reports that it’s pretty successful.  It doesn’t hurt that he has a handsome, aloof sort of appeal and a killer whale smile.

The point is, as any good military strategist would tell you, it is important to know the tactics of your enemy.  There are people like Martin out there.  Study them.  Understand them.  Know their motives.  Otherwise you might find yourself caught in the belly of a really good-looking whale.

So I am looking for great (or horrible) stories or comments about the “Martins” of the world.  I want your worst internet dating enemy encounter.  It is research.  I know they are out there.  Send me your best story, and the best one wins.

http://www.oregonlive.com/news/index.ssf/2010/02/oregon_state_researcjer.html

 

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

 

The Kevin Awards for Worst Online Dates

Over the years I’ve spent dating online, I’ve met many people with lots of horrifying Internet dating experiences. Now that I’m writing a book about learning from my dating disasters, people write and tell me their own all of the time. 

It isn’t just middle-aged heterosexual women, either, who share in these woes. The stories run the demographic gamut from young to old, gay to straight, and male to female. 

I find solace in the company of sharing. It’s a support group for cyber love gone wrong, but it’s also comforting to know that your encounter with the guy who had a snake in his closet and lived with his mother wasn’t as bad as someone else’s latest dating catastrophe.

So I was thinking there ought to be an awards show for the worst Internet dates; like the Tonys or the Oscars. I decided to start one. I’m calling the award “The Kevin” because some of my worst dating ordeals have been with men named Kevin. I apologize in advance if you are named Kevin (and I know some nice Kevins too, but I’ve never dated them) and you do not have any weird sexual fetishes, sleep in your van, or attack women in deserted parks necessitating the use of pepper spray. It can’t be helped. Maybe guys named Oscar don’t like their name being attached to a gold statue that looks like a comic book character, but that’s just the way it is.

Presenting the Kevin Award this year will be golf pro Tiger Woods.  He’s won fourteen major golf championships, but that’s not the reason we’ve asked him to be here tonight. His many torrid affairs have scandalized the nation, so we’re excited to have him presenting this year’s award.

Tiger: There are a lot of great finalists for the Kevin Award this year. It was a tough competition. I wish they would have let me compete.

(Uneasy laughter from audience)

Tiger:  And the finalists for this year’s awards are (names have been changed of course):

Krissie’s date who showed her hundreds of pictures of his ex-wife during dinner. Some of them were nude.

Justin’s date who came over for dinner at Justin’s house. About an hour later, the doorbell rang, and it was another man. Justin’s date had invited the third man for a “threesome.”

Deborah’s date who “took her” on a ski weekend and then expected her to pay for the lift tickets, hotel room, and ski lessons.  Then he left her for the entire weekend while he went skiing alone.

LeeAnn’s date (she is a lesbian) who spent the whole dinner at the restaurant doing her nails.

Angelo’s date who took off her wig in the middle of their night at the movies.

And Trini’s date who brushed his teeth with rotten butter so, not only were his teeth falling out, but he had breath that could stop a semi.

(Gasping from audience)

Tiger:  But the winner is…Janet’s date! Poor Janet is a flight attendant in her 50s. She corresponded with the man online before finally meeting him in person. Of course, she had followed all of Tiia’s rules and had seen a picture. Unfortunately for her, when they met for dinner she discovered he was a paraplegic and was paralyzed from the waist down; a fact which he had forgotten to mention in their frequent email exchanges.

(Audience goes crazy with cheering. Janet’s date is wheeled up on stage doing fist pumps and shooting mock guns with his thumb and forefinger then blowing on them.)

I just don’t know what kind of statue we should give.

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

 

love . com: Papril Fools!

My nephew, Ned Jr., does not really get the concept of April Fool’s Day.  The entire day, he runs around telling you completely obvious, and true, statements and saying, “Papril Fools!”

“Aunt Tiia, your hair is curly.  Papril Fools!”
"Mom, I’m a boy.  Papril Fools!”
"We are driving in a car and I have my seatbelt on.  Papril Fools!”
"Did you know I like dinosaurs?  Papril Fools!”
"Aunt Tiia, it’s Thursday.  Papril Fools!”  You get the idea.

But, it’s really funny anyway.  I mean, compare it to the local radio station that routinely plays tricks on people by calling them from their “health club” to say their weight loss goal of 20 pounds is totally unrealistic because they are a big fattie.  Or they called a wife (it was the husband’s idea) to tell her that her husband was caught having sex with a male prostitute in the park.  Those pranks don’t make me laugh. 

What does this have to do with my internet dating escapades.  Well nothing.  Except…

Sometimes I feel like I’m caught in an endless April Fool’s Day joke on me.  And it is NOT funny.  Oh, who am I kidding?  It’s hilarious.  Truth is stranger, and funnier, than fiction.

Things I Have Really Heard on Internet First Dates:
I am just a little left of Carl Marx.
I used to be a crack addict.
My ex-girlfriend left me because she thought I had a problem with gambling. (This was especially problematic because he was escorting me into a casino where he’d planned our date together.)
Let’s watch “Pee Wee Herman,” (and he happened to have a copy of the movie available for my viewing pleasure).
My favorite all-time band is Wham.
I spent two years in the Texas State Penitentiary.
Do you know where you’re going when you die?
I never date vegetarians….oh you’re not one, are you?
Let’s do some shots.
I have five bunnies.
I have a snake in my closet.
I call my car “the love machine.”
I’m in love with you.

Papril Fools!

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

love.com: The Lawyer File or Why Teachers Shouldn’t Date Lawyers

At last count, I have had online dates with eight lawyers.  After about the third one, it would have been far less painful if I would have started giving myself oral surgery with a rusty butter knife but as it is usually my pattern to continue doing self-destructive things with men, I opted for the internet dates with the attorneys instead.  Over the years, I’ve learned a lot of things about lawyers.

For one, they are never wrong.  Secondly, they are extremely egotistical which is probably helpful in their profession but not in a relationship.  Finally, they like to tell you how hard they work.  And usually they work very hard indeed. 

One lawyer in particular, we’ll call him Spencer, takes these qualities to the extreme.  When I tried to tell him about a very stressful day I had in my job as a teacher, he simply could not fathom that this could be true.

“Well, it can’t be that difficult.  I mean, all you do is play with crepe paper and scissors, right?”  He said as he thumbed through the latest issue of The National Review.

So my Co-teacher and I began compiling a “Lawyer File” containing all of the phrases and sentences we find ourselves saying on a day-to-day basis that we are pretty certain no self-respecting lawyer ever gets paid $250 per hour to say. 

Recently, we culled through these and picked some of the best ones which I have shared below.  Importantly, all items in the Lawyer File are almost always followed up in the classroom by, “Now go sit down.”

The Best of The Lawyer File

No, Ashley, you are not a piece of baloney (now go sit down).

No, Johnny, you do not have narcolepsy (now go sit down).

Please stop making fart noises.

Do not put the pencil in your (your friend’s) nose/ear/mouth/butt.

Why doesn’t he know where his seat is?

We are not acting like ducks today…maybe tomorrow.

Would the person who wrote “Home Dawg G” on their paper please come get it?

Don’t even think about biting him.

If you stand on that chair, you will fall, and I will not be sad (now PLEASE go sit down).

If one more person throws something out the window, I’m going to throw them out the window.

Even if you stink, don’t spray cologne in the classroom.

We don’t say “shut up” to our friends.

No, Christopher, you cannot line up with the girls.  You are a boy!

OK, someone stinks, who is it?

Who put boogers on this desk?  I’ll find out, you know.

Pull your pants up, I don’t want to see your drawers.  How would you like it if I came to school with my skirt around my knees?

I know this is crazy, but we aren’t making paper airplanes today. 

This is not rocket science.

No, Maria, we can’t have class in pig latin today.  Not everyone speaks pig latin. 

I’m glad your grandma can take her teeth out, but we need to do geometry.

 copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

Writing Your Internet Dating Profile Part II: love.com

Now you’ve finished the arduous process of writing the narrative portion of your profile, so it is time to do the easier part of answering a bunch of random multiple choice questions.  These range from how tall you are to whether or not you have pets. 

Right off the bat they have you fill in your height which is easy enough.  Then you put in your body type.  The choices are something like:  about average, slim and slender, a few extra pounds, curvy, athletic and toned, full-figured, or no answer.  So I’m thinking that if I put “no answer,” whoever reads it will automatically assume the worst (this is true) but I’m also thinking that there is no way under any stretch of the imagination that I’d be considered slim and slender or athletic and toned.  The important thing is to be honest while putting things in as positive a light as possible.

You also get to pick which forms of sports/exercise you enjoy from a big, long list of choices.  Now, granted the list of items is varied and ranges from billiards to soccer to bowling to yoga.  It even includes nightclub dancing, which I think is a stretch when it comes to exercise but whatever I marked it.  However, I figured I had better pick some other items, and really I didn’t see any others that were just jumping out at me.  I do like to ski, but mostly it’s cost-prohibitive and I think the last time I did it I didn’t have a child—marked it anyway.  I put running since I find it a necessary evil though enjoying it would be a BIG exaggeration. 

Then they have a menu for your “interests.”  There are many choices here, too, and again this is where your job interview skills may come in handy.  The well-rounded candidate is more likely to get the job, right?  On the other hand, there are quite a few on there that are automatically going to get you eliminated from date candidacy in my book.  For example, do not choose “Hobbies and Crafts” or “Video Games.”  This would be somewhat akin to telling a job interviewer that the best way you’d be an asset to his or her company is because of your paper clip organizing skills and your amazing knack for sinking crumpled up paper balls into trash cans. 

Personally, I gave up “Camping” when I got a divorce and now my idea of roughing it is a hotel without room service so nope that’s not for me.  I didn’t want to put “Movies/Videos” even though I do enjoy them because you don’t want to sound like a cheap date.  It’s all a very tricky business.  You want to sound fun and intellectual but not too wild or geeky. 

Two more sticky issues are that of religious beliefs, and political views.  These are sort of the “no-no” topics of conversation anyway, but they have to be dealt with on these online dating things so here goes.  You can always put “no answer” and see how that works for you and I’ve tried that from time to time.  The problem with that is you then tend to get wackos from both ends of the spectrum.  My personal views on both of these subjects have changed over the years, and no matter what your beliefs are for yourself, remember your goal is to meet someone to date with whom you feel a connection.  I guess you have to decide how important these things are to you in the scheme of your life and then choose what to put. 

Upcoming Topics:  It’s Alright to Be Picky in Internet Dating, Online Dating is a Lot Like Cold Calling

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

Rule # 9 Never date a man with a dungeon in his basement.

He was a doctor, and we had quite a few interests in common.  He wanted to meet for martinis at a trendy bar downtown and then go to see a new movie called “Eyes Wide Shut.”  The topics of conversation during drinks and the theme of the movie should have tipped me off that it was not going to be a normal date, but I was blinded by the MD and my desire to get over another failed love.com relationship that I had recently obliterated by using a lethal combination of Doritos and drinking.

 “So,” he said as we sipped vanilla bean martinis, “are you seeing other men off of love.com?”

 I considered, “Well, yes occasionally.” 

 “That’s good,” he said.  I noticed that his grey eyes had flecks of brown in them.  He was handsome in a taller Tom Cruise kind of way.  “I like to know that I’m not the only one.  It makes me feel less… threatened if relationships are open that way.”

 “Hunh,” I said.  “Most men like it better the opposite way.”

 “Well I like an alternative lifestyle,” Randy quipped.  I was later to find out that this entailed an entire alternate universe.  Oh how sheltered I had been.

 “Hunh,” I said again.

 He took my hand.  “Well we’d better go or we’re going to be late for the movie.”

 If you’ve never seen the movie, there is no way I can do it justice so I won’t really try except to say that it was overtly sexual in a way I had never seen before.  It was a ritualistic orgy, it was a ceremony, it was a forbidden fantasy.  And it scared the hell out of me.  I was only a few months out of the evangelical church, and this was an awfully big leap for me.   I was shaking when we left the theatre.

 “Oh crap,” Randy said as he looked at his beeper and then at me.

 “What?” I asked as I tried to look nonchalant and put together.

 “I need to go by my house—it’s right near here.  My son needs me to bring him his hockey stick for a game tomorrow and he’s at my ex-wife’s on the east side.  Do you mind?”  Randy’s pace had increased as we walked back to his BMW.

 “I….I guess not,” I stammered.  I still was having a hard time thinking straight and how bad could it be, right?  I mean, he was a doctor and couldn’t possibly be dangerous. 

 His house was, indeed, very close to the theatre.  It was a nice, colonial style house, and he asked if I’d like to come in for just a minute while he grabbed the stick.  The foyer was polished marble and the furniture was beautiful.  I looked around.

 “I’d love to show you the place,” he said. He was so eager I couldn’t refuse.

 The house, by any standards, was incredible.  The kitchen had a huge island in the middle big enough for cooking King Solomon’s Feast.  The Master Bedroom had an enormous carved, four-poster bed with lions on each end.  There were two sunken bathtubs in the decadent bathrooms. 

 “Now I’ll show you my favorite room,” he said as we went down a short flight of stairs just beyond the kitchen.  He found a key off of his key ring and used it to unlock a padlock that was securing the door of a room at the bottom of the stairs.

 Inside was a large room with stone floors.  At first, I just noticed the huge candles burning in the room, and I couldn’t help but wonder who would leave candles burning in their house when they weren’t there?  Then I took in the fact that the five candles were at each of five corners of a pentagram that was inscribed in the stone floor.  In the center was what appeared to be a stone altar.  Suspended from the ceiling in various places, were strange looking contraptions and ropes and what looked like climbing harnesses.  Hanging from hooks on the wall were whips and paddles.  I took in the whole scene and realized I was in way over my head.  At precisely that moment, Randy handed me a black hooded robe and blindfold.

 “Why don’t you slip into these?” he said.

 copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones