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Undateable Women - A Girl's Perspective

First, you have to understand that what inspired this post was a television show called Undateable which highlights things guys do that guarantee that they will not only not get a date, but not be having sex.

I posted some funny highlights and my own additions on my Facebook Group page and also my Twitter page ([email protected]). For example, too much polar fleece was strangely absent from the show’s list as were money clips, panel vans, and bad table manners. These all make my personal undateable list.

What happened, though, is that my male friends (gay and straight), rebelled.

One tweet said, “How come these things are always about what men do wrong? What about women? I’ve been w/ some doosies!”

John said on FB, “On behalf of all men I worry that by eliminating these 311 things that we can't do, that we'll be left with about 4 things that we can. Women of the world, HELP!”

J—a gay man—said on FB, “I don’t seem to have a problem with the men I date doing things way outside the norm, but my brother dates women who are ALWAYS wearing, saying, or doing undateable things. Have you SEEN what some of the women out there wear?! You should blog about that!”

So here I am. My CSA friend and I (if you don’t remember her, you can get caught up here) went out into downtown Seattle armed with our cell phone cameras to capture what we think men think is undateable. We were having so much fun that we also made a list. I want to know your feedback; especially if you’re a man or a gay woman. Do you agree? Are they undateable? Should we start our own reality show? Oddly, we’ve already gotten a bit of feedback, and not all of it has concurred.

• Leggings or leg warmers (especially in odd or fluorescent colors)
• Pajamas and/or slippers

• Crocs and other strange footwear not meant for this century or planet

• Women walking a pack of dogs OR dogs in a bag (this really opens up an entire category of odd pet ownership—see below and please note “I will not date that. I will not date that with a cat. Nor with a rat on top of her cat.” Actually there are so many things I could say about this one that I don’t even know where to begin. Did you SEE she has a cat and a rat on a leash? And blue hair?)

• Birkenstocks (especially with socks)

• Women who don’t shave or wax their: legs, underarms, face (A guy friend said recently there was a woman at Macy’s who had a bigger mustache than him--eww!)
• Rainboots

• Shirts that show a woman’s midriff (There was some contention on this point, with CSA saying that men like this sort of thing because they like to know if they’re, “getting a fattie.”)
• T-bar of thong or really any sort of underwear showing (Another argument ensued here with L. from FB saying this is sexy…especially bra straps. Why do women even wear shirts, I ask you?)
• Androgynous-looking women

• Lots of key chains and keys around wrist or neck; ditto lots of purses

• Bandanas
• Unnatural hair colors growing out (see also bun in above photo)

L. added after seeing this one that, “Men will forgive a thousand sins if she’s got a nice ass.” Conclusion: the girl’s perspective on what makes a girl dateable is necessarily flawed.

The Sticky Spot

The invention of sticky notes is right up there in significance with the discovery of fire, the implementation of a GPS system in my car, the common usage of DVR technology, and the invention of the wheel (not necessarily in that order) in my book. Following is a few random sticky notes I’ve had on my mental board:

 

 

 

Ten Ways to End a Date: Guest Blogger Leah

As you probably know, I have a daughter. She has played a pivotal role in my dating—both in making it happen and in making it NOT happen. She very much wants me to be in a relationship and wants a new Dad, but she rarely likes the men I date.

Many single moms I know report similar problems. They have a hard time dating because of their offspring. I don’t mean the logistical concerns, either (even though those are sometimes great—see an example here). What I mean is the barriers and difficulties the children put up because of their jealousy, insecurity, and feelings of potential abandonment. And, in some cases, they may just know they guy is a dud. So following is Leah’s guest blogger post with her advice on ending a date . . . from the kid’s perspective. FYI: This is in her words, so cut her some slack!

Leah’s Advice for Ending a Date

1. Be mean (make sure both your mother and the date know you are NOT happy to be there-say things like, “When are we leaving? I’m tired. I’m bored.” If all else fails, try faking sick.)
2. Be obnoxious (throw fits in restaurants and cling on to your mother at every opportunity; get in between the man and your mom)
3. Be annoying (try spilling your drink and definitely don’t like the food; you could try using bad table manners like chewing with your mouth open and slurping but I’ve never tried this but here are some ideas; interrupt a lot and pat your mom’s hand; repeating “Mommy, mommy, mommy” is very annoying.)
4. The name of the game is “Be the Center of Attention.” Do not let the conversation revolve around anyone else but you. Talk about yourself constantly whether it’s dolls or cheerleading. If they start to talk about something boring (jobs, football, weird hobbies, really anything that isn’t about YOU) jump in.
5. It is out of the question for him to touch your mom for any reason. Even if she is choking. He is the enemy and must die.
6. Sometimes, the man may really be a sicko, a hobo, or a dork. If you notice that, try telling your mom. She might not listen at first because she’ll think you’re just being selfish. You can point out all of the weird things he does and roll your eyes a lot and try “huffing” your breath out really loudly. One guy showed us a video of his dog playing in the park while we were eating dinner. That was a lot of eye rolling and huffing. If that doesn’t work, do the things above. Sometimes moms are a little slow.
   (These next few are for when your mom tries to leave you with a sitter:)
7. Cry and scream if they try to leave you at home.
8. Once you can use a phone or even better you have your own cell phone, you have much more power. Call your mom a bunch of times. Say, “I just wanted to tell you I love you.” They like that. They already feel guilty for leaving you at home.
9. Call to ask questions you already know the answer to like:  “When will you be home? How long do I heat up soup in the microwave? Do you like Jon and Kate Plus Eight?”
10. The last one is only for when you’re desperate. Call grandma. She will make your mom feel way more guilty than you can.

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

love . com: Papril Fools!

My nephew, Ned Jr., does not really get the concept of April Fool’s Day.  The entire day, he runs around telling you completely obvious, and true, statements and saying, “Papril Fools!”

“Aunt Tiia, your hair is curly.  Papril Fools!”
"Mom, I’m a boy.  Papril Fools!”
"We are driving in a car and I have my seatbelt on.  Papril Fools!”
"Did you know I like dinosaurs?  Papril Fools!”
"Aunt Tiia, it’s Thursday.  Papril Fools!”  You get the idea.

But, it’s really funny anyway.  I mean, compare it to the local radio station that routinely plays tricks on people by calling them from their “health club” to say their weight loss goal of 20 pounds is totally unrealistic because they are a big fattie.  Or they called a wife (it was the husband’s idea) to tell her that her husband was caught having sex with a male prostitute in the park.  Those pranks don’t make me laugh. 

What does this have to do with my internet dating escapades.  Well nothing.  Except…

Sometimes I feel like I’m caught in an endless April Fool’s Day joke on me.  And it is NOT funny.  Oh, who am I kidding?  It’s hilarious.  Truth is stranger, and funnier, than fiction.

Things I Have Really Heard on Internet First Dates:
I am just a little left of Carl Marx.
I used to be a crack addict.
My ex-girlfriend left me because she thought I had a problem with gambling. (This was especially problematic because he was escorting me into a casino where he’d planned our date together.)
Let’s watch “Pee Wee Herman,” (and he happened to have a copy of the movie available for my viewing pleasure).
My favorite all-time band is Wham.
I spent two years in the Texas State Penitentiary.
Do you know where you’re going when you die?
I never date vegetarians….oh you’re not one, are you?
Let’s do some shots.
I have five bunnies.
I have a snake in my closet.
I call my car “the love machine.”
I’m in love with you.

Papril Fools!

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

Internet Dating Rule #20 Do not, under any circumstances, date anyone without a picture on their profile

The bar was already busy with the Happy Hour crowd on a Friday night.  Terry had told me he’d be wearing a turquoise button-up shirt and that he’d be standing near the bar.  At least I’d learned a few online dating tricks from my previous experiences.  Since he had my picture, I figured he had the advantage on me.  I at least knew he was blonde with hazel eyes, but with this many people that would be difficult to ascertain.  Plus I saw at least two bars serving drinks within the establishment.

 

I approached what appeared to be the main bar and didn’t see anyone who met his description, so I looked around the other bar.  Nobody there matched either.  I was about twenty minutes late, but I had warned him about my tendency toward tardiness so I thought he would have expected that.  I walked back to the first bar where lots of twenty and thirty somethings just off of work vied for bar space to order drinks and decided to order one myself so I didn’t look so out of place.

I was trying not to appear uncomfortable, and maybe attempting to look like I was waiting for someone (I mean I was, right?) when a rather tall woman with short, blonde hair approached me.

“Are you Tiia?” she asked somewhat hesitantly.

“Umm, yes, why?”  I had no idea who this person was and I was desperately searching my memory.  A parent from the school?  Former classmate from college? 

“I’m Terry,” she said and in that instant I realized she was wearing a turquoise (not blue, not even greenish-blue, I should have known something was fishy!), button-up shirt. 

“You’re Terry?” I repeated incredulously.

“Yes, please don’t be angry.  I knew if I told you then you wouldn’t be interested and I just loved your dating profile so much.  Please give me a chance,” she said seriously.

I was dumb-struck.  People talk about feeling that way, but I’m not sure I ever really understood it until that moment.  I could not speak.  My mouth opened and closed like some guppy tossed out of a fishbowl.

Finally I asked, “What did you think was going to happen?”

“I thought once you met me, you might like me.  Everything else is true,” Denversnuggler (for that was her screen name for the online dating service love.com) said and took a deep breath.  I could tell that she didn’t really want to plead but that’s what she was doing. 

“Thank you,” I said, “but I just, I don’t, I’m not…”

“That’s ok,” she finally said rescuing me from my obvious discomfort, “I understand.”

She shook my hand then and walked away.  I realized that my mouth was still open so I closed it.

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

Love.com Rule #5: Online Dating is a Lot Like Cold Calling

Dating, particularly online dating thanks to the technological revolution that is the internet, is a numbers game.  It is sort of like what people in marketing call “cold calling.”  This is one of my internet dating rules.  I formulated it after meeting John the Lawyer who informed me that in his real estate law practice he paid marketing assistants to make phone calls to drum up business.  They would randomly call big property owners to see if the owners were looking to buy or sell something.  Out of 100 calls, their efforts would net on average only three possible positive responses.  He said online dating services have about the same success rate.

I should have added another rule at that point that stated, “Do not date lawyers,” but alas there were six more attorneys after him, so I didn’t read the proverbial writing on the bathroom wall.  But his point still stands.

With online dating sites, as in cold calling, your success rate is determined by your number of attempts.  You have to date a lot of people to find a few that you like.  You don’t have to date a lot of people a lot of times.  In fact, it’s best to just go out once with each person because you’ll know within three hours or so (I generally know within fifteen minutes but I’m being generous here) whether or not the person is “second-date worthy.”

Now all of that is assuming that you’ve already whittled it down to the most compatible matches.  You can be very, very picky during the selection process offered by the screening systems of the major online dating services, which is the topic of an upcoming blog.   That is how you can eliminate the lawyers!  However, even once those bad boys are gone you will still actually have to go out on a lot of dates before you can find the ones you like.  But just think of all the restaurants you get to try!

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

Writing Your Internet Dating Profile Part II: love.com

Now you’ve finished the arduous process of writing the narrative portion of your profile, so it is time to do the easier part of answering a bunch of random multiple choice questions.  These range from how tall you are to whether or not you have pets. 

Right off the bat they have you fill in your height which is easy enough.  Then you put in your body type.  The choices are something like:  about average, slim and slender, a few extra pounds, curvy, athletic and toned, full-figured, or no answer.  So I’m thinking that if I put “no answer,” whoever reads it will automatically assume the worst (this is true) but I’m also thinking that there is no way under any stretch of the imagination that I’d be considered slim and slender or athletic and toned.  The important thing is to be honest while putting things in as positive a light as possible.

You also get to pick which forms of sports/exercise you enjoy from a big, long list of choices.  Now, granted the list of items is varied and ranges from billiards to soccer to bowling to yoga.  It even includes nightclub dancing, which I think is a stretch when it comes to exercise but whatever I marked it.  However, I figured I had better pick some other items, and really I didn’t see any others that were just jumping out at me.  I do like to ski, but mostly it’s cost-prohibitive and I think the last time I did it I didn’t have a child—marked it anyway.  I put running since I find it a necessary evil though enjoying it would be a BIG exaggeration. 

Then they have a menu for your “interests.”  There are many choices here, too, and again this is where your job interview skills may come in handy.  The well-rounded candidate is more likely to get the job, right?  On the other hand, there are quite a few on there that are automatically going to get you eliminated from date candidacy in my book.  For example, do not choose “Hobbies and Crafts” or “Video Games.”  This would be somewhat akin to telling a job interviewer that the best way you’d be an asset to his or her company is because of your paper clip organizing skills and your amazing knack for sinking crumpled up paper balls into trash cans. 

Personally, I gave up “Camping” when I got a divorce and now my idea of roughing it is a hotel without room service so nope that’s not for me.  I didn’t want to put “Movies/Videos” even though I do enjoy them because you don’t want to sound like a cheap date.  It’s all a very tricky business.  You want to sound fun and intellectual but not too wild or geeky. 

Two more sticky issues are that of religious beliefs, and political views.  These are sort of the “no-no” topics of conversation anyway, but they have to be dealt with on these online dating things so here goes.  You can always put “no answer” and see how that works for you and I’ve tried that from time to time.  The problem with that is you then tend to get wackos from both ends of the spectrum.  My personal views on both of these subjects have changed over the years, and no matter what your beliefs are for yourself, remember your goal is to meet someone to date with whom you feel a connection.  I guess you have to decide how important these things are to you in the scheme of your life and then choose what to put. 

Upcoming Topics:  It’s Alright to Be Picky in Internet Dating, Online Dating is a Lot Like Cold Calling

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

Writing Your Internet Dating Profile Part I: love.com

 In general, writing an internet dating profile is a lot like a job interview.  You want to create a favorable impression of yourself without giving away unnecessary, negative information.  All this, while not actually lying.  For example, at a job interview you don’t want to say “I’m a compulsive neat freak who can’t stand change, all of which drives my co-workers crazy,” (even if, in my case, that’s mostly true).  Instead, you would say, “I’m a type A personality who is highly organized and works well in a structured environment.”  See, doesn’t that sound better?   It’s a tricky business, and I continually see people who do it badly.

A pitfall here that is difficult to avoid if, like me, you seek to please is to avoid becoming a social chameleon.  It took me a couple of years to realize that, in the interest of putting my negatives in a positive light and not offending potential dates, I was often changing the essence of who I was to mirror the person I was with.  This will never lead to the necessary “spark” required by all successful relationships because it’s based on a false pretense.  So be yourself, just maybe don’t give all of yourself away right up front.  They don’t need to know that you collect Christmas Barbies in your profile narrative—save that for later, much, much later.  And in my defense, I’ve heard they can be a really good investment.

To begin with, you need a headline that goes next to your picture.  This is the first thing prospective dates see, and I have seen some hideous ones.  Even if your first and only reason for dating is finding a rich husband, don’t make your headline, “I want a sugar daddy.”  I use that as an example because I saw it—no kidding.  Make the headline something that is catchy but is the essence of who you are and what you want.  You also need a screen name or identifier that is your “name” for internet dating on love.com.  Use common sense here too. 

I have to stop for a minute here and emphasize what is perhaps the most important thing of all.  In all of these long years, talking to both men and women who are out there in the internet dating scene, the one thing I hear more than anything else as a criticism of people’s profiles is that they contain spelling and/or grammar errors.  There is no excuse for this.  Run spell/grammar check.  Have someone proofread.  It makes you look unintelligent.  So unless that’s the type of person you want to attract, avoid this at all costs.

Your narrative section is where you have an opportunity to let your personality show through.  It is a little bit hard to write.  I have written and re-written mine lots of times, and I encourage this.  For one thing, every time you re-write or edit your profile, it gets moved to some cosmic “higher order” in the love.com scheme of things so that people see it first.  That’s good, right?  Also, you change and evolve even in a relatively short period of time.  And once you see the fruitcakes who are out there, you’ll definitely want to refine your search.  Don’t worry, though, it’s worth it!

Now, I have noticed that sometimes people’s narrative profiles tend to sound pretty negative, and I think that is off-putting to most.  Another thing that tends to be difficult to read is when a person puts themselves down.  One profile I read said (and I am sorry to say that I went on a date with this guy) “I am sure I have some good qualities but I just haven’t found very many of them yet.”  Keep it light, and remember to put your negatives in a positive way. 

Upcoming Topics:  It’s OK to be Picky in Internet Dating; Answering Questions for your Online Dating Profile

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones