love.com: Online Dating and the Sperm Whale

In honor of the end of the whale migration here in Washington, I thought this story was worthy of re-posting. Plus, I'm getting ready to teach a new school of unsuspecting fish of my own!

 

A recent study conducted by the Marine Mammal Institute at Oregon State University found that sperm whales are much more calculating in their hunting practices of squid than has long been believed.  They apparently hunt those poor little guys in groups of three using pretty sophisticated teams in which they rotate which whale does which job.  One whale does the rounding up of the squid for a while.  One whale does the diving and chasing from above.  One whale comes up underneath and heads off any squid that try to escape.  The unsuspecting squid don’t have a chance.

What does this have to do with internet dating?  Well, in online dating, as in the ocean, it is important to know your enemy’s tactics.  You can respect the handsome devil for his cunning and strategy, but if you don’t understand how he thinks, you’ll get rounded up before you know it. 

Case in point, I met a man named Martin.  That is his real name because he is proud of his cad-like ways (or should I say sperm whale-like ways?).  Martin revealed to me that he has his own list of internet dating rules.  Oddly, some of them are similar to mine, if in mirror image.  Here are his rules:

 

Martin’s Rules for Dating Online and Getting Laid, and Cheaply!

1. The goal is to get laid.  That's it.
2. Always date more than one girl.  Always.
3. No dating on the weekends.
4. No going out to dinner.  Drinks only.
5. No beer.  Hard alcohol for the girl only.  She will get bloated and not feel up to sex.
6. Aim for women that are hot, with low self-esteem.  Go for the 8/2 ratio (8 on the looks scale, 2 on the self-esteem scale).
7. If you don't sense that she's willing to put out on the first date, or if she hasn't put out by the third date, drop her.
8. No dating women that you work with.
9. No dating single moms.
10. No dating women that your friends know.
11. If a girl stops putting out, you stop dating.
12. Never take a woman to where you live, always go to her place.  Always.
13. Never go out with a group of the girls’ friends.  Your job is to nail her, not get to know everyone.
14. Avoid giving the girl any personal details about you.   Lie frequently.
15. Don't answer your phone when she calls unless you want something from her.  You are not her friend.
16. Getting laid is a numbers game.  Don't take rejection personally.

Now while Martin's rules may not fall directly in line with my rules, the fact is that they must work at least some of the time.  He reports that it’s pretty successful.  It doesn’t hurt that he has a handsome, aloof sort of appeal and a killer whale smile.

The point is, as any good military strategist would tell you, it is important to know the tactics of your enemy.  There are people like Martin out there.  Study them.  Understand them.  Know their motives.  Otherwise you might find yourself caught in the belly of a really good-looking whale.

So I am looking for great (or horrible) stories or comments about the “Martins” of the world.  I want your worst internet dating enemy encounter.  It is research.  I know they are out there.  Send me your best story, and the best one wins.

http://www.oregonlive.com/news/index.ssf/2010/02/oregon_state_researcjer.html

 

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones