love.com: The Garter Belt Incident

PROFILE  RedSoxFan There’s no crying in love or baseball Active within 2 days 39-year-old man Rio Rancho, NM  United States Seeking women 30-45 Within 30 miles of Albuquerque, NM, United States Relationships: Divorced Have Kids: Yes and sometimes they live at home Want Kids: Definitely Ethnicity: Caucasian Body type: Stocky Height: 5’11” Hair Color: Brown Eye Color: Brown Smoke: Never Drink: Social drinker Education Level:  Bachelor’s degree My Job: Civil service Interests: Watching sports, baseball, playing sports, video games, music & videos, computers & technology, hiking, networking, Victoria’s Secret (LOL)

Dating Rules Broken by RedSoxFan During First Date:
1. Chewed with mouth open
2. Did not open door for me
3. Only talked about himself (Well, this is not entirely true.  Actually, he only talked about the Boston Red Sox.  They play baseball, in case you were wondering because I was a little unclear.)
4. Displayed stalker tendencies
5. Heebie Jeebie Meter was set off by a weird desire for women’s lingerie

With this kind of batting average, you’d think I forfeited or put him in the penalty box—I think that’s actually a hockey reference but my sports metaphors are a little weak—but the truth is my dating had hit a bit of a dry spell.  More like what my old rancher friend Lou Dodo (real name, there’s nothing I could make up that would be funnier, right?) used to say about farming in Western Colorado:  “It’s a drought.  It’s always a drought.  Even when we get a little rain; it’s still a drought.”

So I was willing to let a few things slide.  Ok, maybe a lot of things.  Even when he said he really wanted me to wear a garter belt and stockings for our second date.

Pre-Game Show for RedSoxFan

• Go to Victoria’s Secret to buy garter belt, panties, and stockings.  Fall over dead when they tell me the price is slightly less than my utility bill.
• Look at contraption.  It looks a little like something I’d wear for “Crazy Hat Day” at school or maybe something you’d use to muzzle a dog.  But that’s ok, because I’m tenacious.  And it’s a drought.
• Put garter belt on…upside down.
• Realize that the hookey onny thingys need to be pointing down not up and turn it the other way around.
• Slide stockings on, snagging one with fingernail.
• Get out nail polish to fix run.  Finding only red, which may ruin the smoldering sexy look I’m going for, I ask my  eight year-old for her Bonne Bell clear nail polish.
• Paint on.  Bend in half and blow on leg to dry.  Leah says, “Why are you kissing your leg, Momma.”  Don’t answer that.
• Pour glass of wine for fortification and hydration since by now I’ve worked up a sweat.
• Attempt to fasten hookey onny thingys to stockings.  It is not at all obvious how to do this.  There are no marks (connect hook A to point B on stocking) and it is more difficult than IKEA furniture.
• Upon further examination, it appears that the two pairs of hooks should be positioned opposite one another on either side of each leg.  This requires bending like a circus contortionist.
• When I finally get first pair of hooks on one stocking, I pass out from being upside-down for so long.
• Upon regaining consciousness, I refill my wine glass because I pretty much just completed a Pilates workout.
• Get VS package out of trash and consult to see if there are helpful hints because surely I’m doing something wrong.  There aren’t.
• Consult clock.  I am already one hour late for date but damn it I will be wearing hot black garters.
• Finish second pair of hookey onny thingys on one leg.
• Leah: “Mom, is that gymnastics?”
• Take deep breaths to avoid passing out again.
• Put on second stocking, and begin attaching hooks on left leg.  In the middle of the first set of hooks, the hook snags the stocking all the way up making it completely unwearable.
• Pour another glass of wine.
• Call to cancel date.  Strike three, you’re out.

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones