At last count, I have had online dates with eight lawyers. After about the third one, it would have been far less painful if I would have started giving myself oral surgery with a rusty butter knife but as it is usually my pattern to continue doing self-destructive things with men, I opted for the internet dates with the attorneys instead. Over the years, I’ve learned a lot of things about lawyers.
For one, they are never wrong. Secondly, they are extremely egotistical which is probably helpful in their profession but not in a relationship. Finally, they like to tell you how hard they work. And usually they work very hard indeed.
One lawyer in particular, we’ll call him Spencer, takes these qualities to the extreme. When I tried to tell him about a very stressful day I had in my job as a teacher, he simply could not fathom that this could be true.
“Well, it can’t be that difficult. I mean, all you do is play with crepe paper and scissors, right?” He said as he thumbed through the latest issue of The National Review.
So my Co-teacher and I began compiling a “Lawyer File” containing all of the phrases and sentences we find ourselves saying on a day-to-day basis that we are pretty certain no self-respecting lawyer ever gets paid $250 per hour to say.
Recently, we culled through these and picked some of the best ones which I have shared below. Importantly, all items in the Lawyer File are almost always followed up in the classroom by, “Now go sit down.”
The Best of The Lawyer File
No, Ashley, you are not a piece of baloney (now go sit down).
No, Johnny, you do not have narcolepsy (now go sit down).
Please stop making fart noises.
Do not put the pencil in your (your friend’s) nose/ear/mouth/butt.
Why doesn’t he know where his seat is?
We are not acting like ducks today…maybe tomorrow.
Would the person who wrote “Home Dawg G” on their paper please come get it?
Don’t even think about biting him.
If you stand on that chair, you will fall, and I will not be sad (now PLEASE go sit down).
If one more person throws something out the window, I’m going to throw them out the window.
Even if you stink, don’t spray cologne in the classroom.
We don’t say “shut up” to our friends.
No, Christopher, you cannot line up with the girls. You are a boy!
OK, someone stinks, who is it?
Who put boogers on this desk? I’ll find out, you know.
Pull your pants up, I don’t want to see your drawers. How would you like it if I came to school with my skirt around my knees?
I know this is crazy, but we aren’t making paper airplanes today.
This is not rocket science.
No, Maria, we can’t have class in pig latin today. Not everyone speaks pig latin.
I’m glad your grandma can take her teeth out, but we need to do geometry.
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