love.com

love.com: The Bad Words Club of Internet Dating

Internet Dating Rule: If he doesn’t try to kiss you at all, figure  there is no connection on his part.

Dating Profile

TadWil

“Go Forward With Courage. When you are in doubt, be still, and wait.” Ponca Chief

Active within 2 days

38-year-old man
Albuquerque, NM, United States
Seeking women 30-40
Within 30 miles of Albuquerque, New Mexico, United States
Relationships: Divorced
Have Kids: Yes and sometimes they live at home
Want Kids: Someday
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Body type: Athletic & toned
Height: 6’1”
Hair Color: light brown
Eye Color: hazel
Smoke: No way
Drink: Never
My Job: Education/Teacher/Professor
Interests: Hiking, political activism, vegan cooking, camping, mountain expeditions, reading, volunteering, conservationism, animal rescuing, spiritualism, mountain biking

“How was your date Mom?” my daughter Leah asked recently as she sat watching me cook dinner.

I debated. I’m not sure when my child became such an expert on online dating. “It was good I think. We’ll see if he calls. How was school?”

“Good. Kayla and I made a ‘Bad Words Club’ and you can only get in if you say a bad word. Can I lick the spoon?” I stared at her in disbelief.

“A ‘Bad Words Club?’ That doesn’t sound very nice. What word did you say?” I asked. I mentally reviewed all of the curse words I had inadvertently said when stubbing my toe.

“Oh mine wasn’t as bad as Kayla’s,” Leah said in a worldly manner. “I said ‘ain’t’ and she said ‘stupid.’ But other kids said some really bad ones to get in like shit and frick.”

I tried to suppress a smile. “Wow, those are some pretty bad words you thought of. However, I don’t think it’s a good idea to encourage the other kids to say bad words just to be your friends.”

She frowned up at me. “Mom, they don’t have to say them to be our friends, only to get in the club.”

I couldn’t argue with that logic. After dinner, I logged into my email to see if Tad had sent me a message and found one waiting from him. I was anxious to hear since I thought this most recent date had gone well but it’s never a good sign when the guy doesn’t call.  Plus, he didn’t try to kiss me so I wasn’t sure what that meant.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: March 17, 2010
Subject: Date

Tiia,

I enjoyed meeting you on Friday. Thanks for making the time for dinner. But I don’t think we’re compatible. I am looking for a girl who is less high maintenance and enjoys the outdoors more than you do. Your perfectly-manicured nails and fake laugh are simply too much for me. I like a girl to be more natural. You wear too much make up and act a bit phony. I wish you the best in your search.

Tad

I read the email to my sister Mary over the phone.

“He’s right. I’m horrible. I’m ugly and fake and the most disgusting girl on this planet. No one would ever want to date me,” I said sobbing with self-pity.

“You are beautiful. He was horrible to write that. Who writes an email like that? Even if you think it, you don’t write it to someone. You just haven’t met the right guy,” she said soothingly. In my family, you stick up for each other even if there’s a good chance a family member axed someone and then ate their brains for breakfast.

“What if I never do?” I asked my sister.

“You will. Besides, you don’t like the outdoors and you do like your nails and makeup to look nice. He just was mean about it. That’s why I think they should submit to a full psychological evaluation on those sites,” Mary said. It’s probably not such a bad idea.

Fuck him. I can join the Bad Word Club now.

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

 

love.com: The Lawyer File or Why Teachers Shouldn’t Date Lawyers

At last count, I have had online dates with eight lawyers.  After about the third one, it would have been far less painful if I would have started giving myself oral surgery with a rusty butter knife but as it is usually my pattern to continue doing self-destructive things with men, I opted for the internet dates with the attorneys instead.  Over the years, I’ve learned a lot of things about lawyers.

For one, they are never wrong.  Secondly, they are extremely egotistical which is probably helpful in their profession but not in a relationship.  Finally, they like to tell you how hard they work.  And usually they work very hard indeed. 

One lawyer in particular, we’ll call him Spencer, takes these qualities to the extreme.  When I tried to tell him about a very stressful day I had in my job as a teacher, he simply could not fathom that this could be true.

“Well, it can’t be that difficult.  I mean, all you do is play with crepe paper and scissors, right?”  He said as he thumbed through the latest issue of The National Review.

So my Co-teacher and I began compiling a “Lawyer File” containing all of the phrases and sentences we find ourselves saying on a day-to-day basis that we are pretty certain no self-respecting lawyer ever gets paid $250 per hour to say. 

Recently, we culled through these and picked some of the best ones which I have shared below.  Importantly, all items in the Lawyer File are almost always followed up in the classroom by, “Now go sit down.”

The Best of The Lawyer File

No, Ashley, you are not a piece of baloney (now go sit down).

No, Johnny, you do not have narcolepsy (now go sit down).

Please stop making fart noises.

Do not put the pencil in your (your friend’s) nose/ear/mouth/butt.

Why doesn’t he know where his seat is?

We are not acting like ducks today…maybe tomorrow.

Would the person who wrote “Home Dawg G” on their paper please come get it?

Don’t even think about biting him.

If you stand on that chair, you will fall, and I will not be sad (now PLEASE go sit down).

If one more person throws something out the window, I’m going to throw them out the window.

Even if you stink, don’t spray cologne in the classroom.

We don’t say “shut up” to our friends.

No, Christopher, you cannot line up with the girls.  You are a boy!

OK, someone stinks, who is it?

Who put boogers on this desk?  I’ll find out, you know.

Pull your pants up, I don’t want to see your drawers.  How would you like it if I came to school with my skirt around my knees?

I know this is crazy, but we aren’t making paper airplanes today. 

This is not rocket science.

No, Maria, we can’t have class in pig latin today.  Not everyone speaks pig latin. 

I’m glad your grandma can take her teeth out, but we need to do geometry.

 copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

love.com Rule # 4 If you do feel that very rare internet dating connection, there’s a good chance that he’s gay or thinks-he-just-might-be-gay

I noticed how soft his hands were as he took my right hand in both of his.  “I hope you’ll forgive me.  I am usually late but not usually this bad,” I said apologetically, “My sister called on the way and it was an upsetting phone call so I missed the turn and…anyway, how are you?”

 

He had wonderful laugh lines around the corners of his eyes that crinkled up as he smiled and said, “It’s ok.  Lucky for you, I’ve been enjoying some delicious brie and an outstanding wine.  Unfortunately for you, I’ve already had half of the bottle.” His accent seemed a little formal for the west.  Maybe British?

 

After settling in and ordering our dinner, the evening was going quite well.  I definitely felt that magical connection tried to remember items from his online dating service profile.  “What sort of art do you like best?” I asked as the conversation gracefully meandered.

 

“I am a sucker for Renaissance artists.  Don’t laugh, but I probably prefer Raphael above all the others,” he answered.

 

“No way!” I exclaimed, “He’s my favorite too!  That’s so unusual.”

 

“You know,” he began, and as he did I was noticing with approval the perfect creases in his absolutely clean shirt (was that silk?) and the way he knew how to wear clothes, “there’s an art opening at a gallery that a couple of my friends own tomorrow if you’d like to go with me.  It’s not Renaissance art, but you might enjoy it just the same.”

 

“I’d love to go,” I responded and gave him my most seductive smile.

 

The next evening, I dressed in a backless black cocktail dress and black heels for the art opening.  I met him downtown and once again he looked stylish and handsome.  He had on a pinstriped black suit with a salmon-colored shirt and tie of some rich-looking fabric and striped socks to match the shirt and tie.  It all looked very chic. 

 

“You look great,” I said as I tiptoed up to give him a kiss on the cheek.

 

He held both of my hands to survey me.  “So, my dear, do you.  Shall we?”

 

The gallery was small but inviting, and the art was well-displayed.  “I’d like you to meet Peter and Crespian, the owners.  Peter, Crespian, this is the fair Tiia,” said Roy as he introduced me to the owners of the gallery. 

 

“Charmed,” said Peter.  He was tall and blonde like a Greek statue and was wearing all white—white pants, white shirt, white sweater tied around his neck, white shoes.  It was quite a striking picture.

 

Crespian, on the other hand, was short and dark.  He appeared to be Eastern European in ethnicity.  His clothes seemed about two sizes too big for his build.  “It’s good to meet you.  We heard that Roy was bringing someone.  Thanks for coming,” he said and his voice was far deeper than his height had led me to believe.

 

Afterward, I took Roy’s arm as he walked me to my car.  “I really had a good time.  Thanks for inviting me,” I said.

 

He looked over at me somewhat hesitantly, “Thanks for coming.”

 

Roy stopped in the middle of the sidewalk.  “I have something to tell you.”

 

“I think I might be gay,” he said.  “You’re really a beautiful person, and I like you a lot but I was just trying this dating thing to see if I was right about how I was feeling.”

 

In a flash of insight, all of it made perfect sense:  the affected British accent, Peter and Crespian, his impeccably stylish wardrobe, his love for art and fine cuisine.

 

“Yes,” I said with a sigh, “I think you’re right too.”

 

I knew I should have stayed home to eat Doritos. 

 

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

 

love.com: What NOT to Do in Internet Dating

“My fish committed suicide,” Christina said as we sat discussing our Book Club book at the coffee shop.

 

“Wow,” I said noncommittally, “I didn’t know that could happen.”

 

“Yeah, it’s very common actually.  If you don’t give them enough attention or they are depressed they’ll jump right out of the tank,” said Christina (that’s not her real name BTW, but I had a student once who was wacko and was named Christina so I thought it was appropriate).  The other Book Club members uncomfortably shifted in their chairs probably, like me, trying to figure out how she had gotten from the Nobel Peace Prize-winning novel to her suicidal fish.

 

“So,” said the nice lady who had suggested the book, “besides death, were there other themes that resonated with people in the novel?”

 

Christina had a few more comments to share apparently.  “Well, I read lots of vampire books as you probably know.”  (I didn’t.)  “And in one of the series I read there’s a lady vampire who doesn’t know she’s a vampire at first because she gets bitten when she’s a little girl.  But then she falls in love with this horrible man who’s really a werewolf and then she has to find other vampires….”

 

The eyes of the other captive people (as well as my own) were glazing over at the long and drawn out scene-by-scene description of Vampire Diaries and the Sexy Werewolf or something equally frightful.  I stifled a yawn.  I thought of what I was going to cook for dinner. 

 

Wait!  The mousy man with the shaky hands was talking!  “In the book, I thought it was interesting how the people could only choose a few things to save from their previous life.  What would you save?”  He asked.

 

“I’d save my Grandmother’s antiques,” said the nice lady.

 

“I’d save as many books as I could take,” I said.

 

“That’s stupid!” said Christina disdainfully.  “Who still buys books?  No one!  I’d save my Betta fish and my hamster and his toys.”

 

Thankfully, it was time for the end of this month’s Book Club so I gathered my belongings to go.  On my way out, Christina grabbed my arm.

 

“You do a lot of internet dating, right?” she asked.

 

“Yeah…” I said hesitantly.

 

“Well I’ve been trying it and I just can’t figure out why I can’t get any second dates.  I’d appreciate some tips,” she said as she began walking away.  “Email them to me, OK?”

 

“All right,” I said to no one in particular since she was already gone.  And I thought I understood why her fish had jumped.

 

So, Christina, I have a few tips for you but actually they are what NOT to do in internet dating (and probably in other relationships as well):

 

1.     Watch the nonverbal cues of the people around you.  If they don’t appear to be listening, stop talking.

2.    Try to stay on topic.  You may really want to talk about something, but if it isn’t what the conversation is about, you’ll just have to wait. 

3.    You cannot just talk about yourself.  This is a fundamental law of friendship, dating, and indeed humanity.  Don’t interrupt.  Listen to what other people say and respond to it with interest.

4.    Don’t be rude.  Your opinion is just that.  It is hurtful to say someone else’s opinion is wrong or stupid.  You can disagree, but do it politely.

5.    And finally, don’t be a weirdo. 

 

 copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

 

Internet Dating Rule #20 Do not, under any circumstances, date anyone without a picture on their profile

The bar was already busy with the Happy Hour crowd on a Friday night.  Terry had told me he’d be wearing a turquoise button-up shirt and that he’d be standing near the bar.  At least I’d learned a few online dating tricks from my previous experiences.  Since he had my picture, I figured he had the advantage on me.  I at least knew he was blonde with hazel eyes, but with this many people that would be difficult to ascertain.  Plus I saw at least two bars serving drinks within the establishment.

 

I approached what appeared to be the main bar and didn’t see anyone who met his description, so I looked around the other bar.  Nobody there matched either.  I was about twenty minutes late, but I had warned him about my tendency toward tardiness so I thought he would have expected that.  I walked back to the first bar where lots of twenty and thirty somethings just off of work vied for bar space to order drinks and decided to order one myself so I didn’t look so out of place.

I was trying not to appear uncomfortable, and maybe attempting to look like I was waiting for someone (I mean I was, right?) when a rather tall woman with short, blonde hair approached me.

“Are you Tiia?” she asked somewhat hesitantly.

“Umm, yes, why?”  I had no idea who this person was and I was desperately searching my memory.  A parent from the school?  Former classmate from college? 

“I’m Terry,” she said and in that instant I realized she was wearing a turquoise (not blue, not even greenish-blue, I should have known something was fishy!), button-up shirt. 

“You’re Terry?” I repeated incredulously.

“Yes, please don’t be angry.  I knew if I told you then you wouldn’t be interested and I just loved your dating profile so much.  Please give me a chance,” she said seriously.

I was dumb-struck.  People talk about feeling that way, but I’m not sure I ever really understood it until that moment.  I could not speak.  My mouth opened and closed like some guppy tossed out of a fishbowl.

Finally I asked, “What did you think was going to happen?”

“I thought once you met me, you might like me.  Everything else is true,” Denversnuggler (for that was her screen name for the online dating service love.com) said and took a deep breath.  I could tell that she didn’t really want to plead but that’s what she was doing. 

“Thank you,” I said, “but I just, I don’t, I’m not…”

“That’s ok,” she finally said rescuing me from my obvious discomfort, “I understand.”

She shook my hand then and walked away.  I realized that my mouth was still open so I closed it.

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones

Love.com Rule #5: Online Dating is a Lot Like Cold Calling

Dating, particularly online dating thanks to the technological revolution that is the internet, is a numbers game.  It is sort of like what people in marketing call “cold calling.”  This is one of my internet dating rules.  I formulated it after meeting John the Lawyer who informed me that in his real estate law practice he paid marketing assistants to make phone calls to drum up business.  They would randomly call big property owners to see if the owners were looking to buy or sell something.  Out of 100 calls, their efforts would net on average only three possible positive responses.  He said online dating services have about the same success rate.

I should have added another rule at that point that stated, “Do not date lawyers,” but alas there were six more attorneys after him, so I didn’t read the proverbial writing on the bathroom wall.  But his point still stands.

With online dating sites, as in cold calling, your success rate is determined by your number of attempts.  You have to date a lot of people to find a few that you like.  You don’t have to date a lot of people a lot of times.  In fact, it’s best to just go out once with each person because you’ll know within three hours or so (I generally know within fifteen minutes but I’m being generous here) whether or not the person is “second-date worthy.”

Now all of that is assuming that you’ve already whittled it down to the most compatible matches.  You can be very, very picky during the selection process offered by the screening systems of the major online dating services, which is the topic of an upcoming blog.   That is how you can eliminate the lawyers!  However, even once those bad boys are gone you will still actually have to go out on a lot of dates before you can find the ones you like.  But just think of all the restaurants you get to try!

copyright © 2009  Tiia Jones