Over the years I’ve spent dating online, I’ve met many people with lots of horrifying Internet dating experiences. Now that I’m writing a book about learning from my dating disasters, people write and tell me their own all of the time.
It isn’t just middle-aged heterosexual women, either, who share in these woes. The stories run the demographic gamut from young to old, gay to straight, and male to female.
I find solace in the company of sharing. It’s a support group for cyber love gone wrong, but it’s also comforting to know that your encounter with the guy who had a snake in his closet and lived with his mother wasn’t as bad as someone else’s latest dating catastrophe.
So I was thinking there ought to be an awards show for the worst Internet dates; like the Tonys or the Oscars. I decided to start one. I’m calling the award “The Kevin” because some of my worst dating ordeals have been with men named Kevin. I apologize in advance if you are named Kevin (and I know some nice Kevins too, but I’ve never dated them) and you do not have any weird sexual fetishes, sleep in your van, or attack women in deserted parks necessitating the use of pepper spray. It can’t be helped. Maybe guys named Oscar don’t like their name being attached to a gold statue that looks like a comic book character, but that’s just the way it is.
Presenting the Kevin Award this year will be golf pro Tiger Woods. He’s won fourteen major golf championships, but that’s not the reason we’ve asked him to be here tonight. His many torrid affairs have scandalized the nation, so we’re excited to have him presenting this year’s award.
Tiger: There are a lot of great finalists for the Kevin Award this year. It was a tough competition. I wish they would have let me compete.
(Uneasy laughter from audience)
Tiger: And the finalists for this year’s awards are (names have been changed of course):
Krissie’s date who showed her hundreds of pictures of his ex-wife during dinner. Some of them were nude.
Justin’s date who came over for dinner at Justin’s house. About an hour later, the doorbell rang, and it was another man. Justin’s date had invited the third man for a “threesome.”
Deborah’s date who “took her” on a ski weekend and then expected her to pay for the lift tickets, hotel room, and ski lessons. Then he left her for the entire weekend while he went skiing alone.
LeeAnn’s date (she is a lesbian) who spent the whole dinner at the restaurant doing her nails.
Angelo’s date who took off her wig in the middle of their night at the movies.
And Trini’s date who brushed his teeth with rotten butter so, not only were his teeth falling out, but he had breath that could stop a semi.
(Gasping from audience)
Tiger: But the winner is…Janet’s date! Poor Janet is a flight attendant in her 50s. She corresponded with the man online before finally meeting him in person. Of course, she had followed all of Tiia’s rules and had seen a picture. Unfortunately for her, when they met for dinner she discovered he was a paraplegic and was paralyzed from the waist down; a fact which he had forgotten to mention in their frequent email exchanges.
(Audience goes crazy with cheering. Janet’s date is wheeled up on stage doing fist pumps and shooting mock guns with his thumb and forefinger then blowing on them.)
I just don’t know what kind of statue we should give.
copyright © 2009 Tiia Jones